The image of a happy family for many people is connected with eternal love and mutual happiness. The “happily ever after” concept has firmly rooted into people’s minds. Unfortunately, life does not always go as planned. Many men had to deal with losing a spouse at some point of their lives. The consequences of such a loss haunt a widower for a very long time.
Losing somebody as dear as a beloved wife is tough, and there are as many ways to cope with it as there are widowers. Some of them immediately turn to dating and plunge into new romances. But that is only because it is so complicated to deal with overwhelming loneliness and grief. Even going through deepest traumas and darkest times, men still want to lead their life happily, just as usual.
There are other widowers, for whom dating is not a thing to consider for quite a long time. Even though they understand it is impossible to stay devoted to the significant other who is gone forever, they take their time to grieve and live to the point of acceptance before starting a new affair. These are just a couple of different ways men manage to live through the time of widowship.
If you are a woman who is just about to start dating a widower, you should be prepared. We gathered some useful advice which might be helpful in such a relationship.
Be reasonable with your expectations
Sometimes it takes widowers years to get back to the dating scene. If your new partner is someone who took his time to live through grieving before starting over in life, he might not know how to approach a woman correctly. It takes practice to become a ladies’ man, and some people never get this skill at all. At the same time, if you quit dating for a long time or get married, courtship skills are lost at some point.
There are also chances your partner has to readjust to new realities of the dating sphere. Especially if he was married for a long time before becoming a widower, there might not have been many dating tools people use now. And it is not only about online dating, although mature people have to discover this as well. The traditions also change a lot, and what was totally acceptable five or ten years ago, now is considered outdated. So if you are dating a widower and feel like he is not doing what you desire, just keep in mind he might not be used to the current dating tendencies. A good conversation can help you come to understanding each other better.
But this is not the only thing to consider, when talking about expectations. Many women see their partners as future husbands or at least want a long-term relationships. Even though widowers make great husbands in prospective, chances are he is not ready for this yet. Remember, he has already had the most compatible partner, and the fact that she is now gone makes it even more complicated for the guy to date. Especially those who have not been widowed for a long time, are used to comparing every new woman to a person they used to love.
Another reason to have moderate expectations is the fact, that many widowers start dating because they just want to fill the void. This desire is totally understandable, since the regular state of affairs was unexpectedly broken. Such men want to have a replacement for the significant other they won’t be able to be together with ever again, and therefore they are rushing to get into new relationships. This might be the sign he is actually not ready for new commitments, since he still has to go through all the stages before reaching acceptance. Even though new relationships definitely allow to avoid the overwhelming feeling of loneliness, it is not the best cure in such a situation.
Don’t get offended by comparison
Again, as said before, if you are dating a widower, you got yourself a man who had already had a perfect partner. It is natural to look for the similar traits in the new dates. But for you, as a new woman in his life, this might be the most challenging part.
Do not get offended by it, since for the most part widowed men do this subconsciously. It is impossible to just rip out a big part of your life and never get back to it. Even people who break up with their partners and aim to forget them immediately never succeed, so there is no way you can demand a widower to erase his deceased spouse right as he starts dating.
If your new date has children, this can be a whole another issue. Mother is always the most important person in any child’s life, and when she is gone, there is no way anyone can replace her. For kids these times might be even more complicated than for their father. They are often to young and immature to cope with the new state correctly, which is why they become defensive and aggressive when a new woman appears.
It will be the most complicated to build the relationships with the eldest daughters in the family. Since they are the only women left in the household, all domestic chores fall on their shoulders. Psychologists say, that these are eldest daughters who basically replace mothers in such cases. If their father gets into new relationships, it can be considered a betrayal of their mother’s memory and them as well.
There are a few things which can help you to conquer both the heart of your man and his children:
- Just be yourself. You will never come even close to the mother and wife these people had already had and it is not your goal at all. All you want is to be loved for who you are and not get into the competition with the image of an ideal woman. Just show who you are as a person and don’t try to hide behind the mask;
- Be patient. You won’t become a new family member immediately. It takes time for everyone to accept a new person into the circle. It is especially complicated in families where there are teenage kids, but if you show how nice and devoted you are, at some point you will become closer;
- Get used to honest talks. This advice is not only useful while dating a widower, but in any relationship in general. Being sincere and talking honestly about things that disturb you is a huge help, which increases understanding between partners and helps bond together even more.
It might not be the right time just yet
There are no rights or wrongs when it comes to dealing with grief and loss. It is impossible to control one’s feelings and there is no way to predict the time enough to get over something. Especially if you are dating a widower, you might meet a man who is forcing events for various reasons. It is not uncommon to seek filling the void with new romantic affairs, even though it is not the best solution of the situation. But there are also men who keep away from any romantic interactions for decades, just because they think they are betraying their spouse with the sole thought about new relationships.
According to various polls and statistics, men are extremely likely to accelerate events and attempt dating just a few months into widowhood. It doesn’t mean they are all necessarily ready for it, it is just that many of them consider new relationships as the cure for all the troubles. Apart from that, there are many friends and relatives who basically push their acquaintances into new relationships, advising to move on. Though these always comes from good intentions, the result is a man trying to arrange his love life when he is definitely not ready for it.
At the same time, your man might not know he is not ready for dating before he gets into it. He might start new relationships and feel overwhelmed with memories and feelings just because of similar conditions. You might go to the same cafes he used to visit with his wife. You might wear a dress just like the one she had when they started dating. Any little detail may make your man struggle with emotions.
If it seems like your date is not feeling the greatest about relationships now, you can suggest having a temporary break. It doesn’t mean you are not suitable for each other, it is just that more time should pass by before he can actually commit to dating a new person. Don’t get personally offended and just accept the fact that your affair won’t develop as fast as you might expect.
You can also get a basic idea of your partner being ready for new relationships based on the time after his loss. Psychologists agree, that it is best to start dating a widower at least a couple years after he lost a spouse. This timing allows to get used to the pain and reevaluate the new life, which means you won’t be used as a crying tuxedo. The decisions made after this time will be much more reasonable and a widower will have a much clearer head.
You are a partner, not a therapist
Significant others are always together, in all joys and sorrows, and that is true. So when hard times come, it is natural to have the desire to share the pain with someone close. Since you are dating a widower and take the position of the closest person, he subconsciously might decide to share all the troubles he has with you.
Sometimes it happens so that a widower simply doesn’t have anyone to talk to. So when he is getting into new relationships, a new partner replaces the whole world for him and becomes the first and only person to open up to.
Even though you might be a good listener and eager to help your date with all his issues, remember, that you are a beloved partner and not a psychologists. Here is how you can deal with it:
- Carefully lead the conversation to discussing your and your partner’s traits, interests and lives. You are supposed to get to know each other better, and talking about his spouse, unfortunately, won’t help this;
- Ask more questions, be interested in your date’s personality;
- If you are dating for a bit and you still think he is dwelling in memories, you definitely should have an honest conversation about it. Don’t be too pushy and try to explain that, even though his past matters to you as well, it is impossible to relive it over and over again.
Dating a widower red flags
There are cases when a widower is definitely not ready for new affairs. Here is how you can tell that you are not meant for each other:
- He is trying to change you in order to make like his previous spouse. Even though she definitely was the most important woman in his life, he has to move on at some point of his life. Reshaping another person in order to remind someone long gone, won’t lead to anything successful. Even if you fell in love with a widower, don’t let him change you;
- He doesn’t introduce you to family and friends. Of course, he doesn’t have to do it immediately after you start dating, but, just like in any other relationships, it is normal to meet each others friends and relatives at some point. If time passes and you are still only seeing each other eye to eye, it is not a good sign. It means he is definitely not ready to lead the ordinary life and more on. While it might be totally understandable when it comes to living through the hard times, there is no way good relationships can be built with such a mindset;
- He doesn’t want to communicate. Sharing what’s on your mind is an important part of any relationships. Whether you are dating a widower or not, both you and your partner should be used to discussing various spheres of your lives and looking for compromises. If a widower you are dating is reserved and doesn’t want to cooperate, it is definitely a red flag. If he never mentions his former wife, it is also not ideal, even though constant reminders of her are of no good as well. Everything should be moderate, and while you are not supposed to serve as a therapist, honest conversations should become a regular part of your relations;
- He is rushing too fast. This might be the sign he is not over his loss yet and is just trying to fill in the empty space in his soul. While you might be happy to see how eager he is to develop your relationships, it might lead to a lot of misunderstandings later on. At some point he will see what he has done and won’t be happy with rushing into new affair too fast. You won’t be extremely welcome by his family either in this case – since too little time has passed, you will be seen as an invader, who is not respectful of their grief. Have an honest discussion with your partner to choose optimal pace to everything.